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sat.e>0.5,s>1,a>8,j>6 / su:e>0.5,s>2,a>7,j>3 / mon:e>-,s>2,a>8,j>2 [29 Jan 2002|02:44am] [ mood | rotting!!!! ] [ music | billy holliday, charlie parker>>>live ] finally I get to update..... sat. was a relaxing evening, had my kids over, spent some time together , playing games etc. and when they`re asleep I`m able to go to the Leg. for a few hours.... earlier that knight T888 came over really stressed on a thing she worried about, I made her go take some action about it and have her mind disstressed, there`s no use to stress about a thing like that for days....she just needed someone to point the way to go...(why can`t I be rational like this concerning myself?)I made an app. to meet her later and hearout the result.about 23.00 I went to Leg.and spent some relaxing time with friends( got another bite, in my shoulder this time....3 days later you still can see it very well.)most of the people went quit early to the kors.,but I didn`t mind, I had a nice relaxing time with DGDSN until the Leg. closed.I went home and had a few hours sleep...had a good day with my kids. sun.evening I had to work..(what the story..?)DGDSN,DL,& J. stayed at my place...it was a strange night again to DJ. weird folk, strange mood...(and KS and S came by, always good energie when they`re around...)and it went OK! mon.:ohw...my body hurts!!! had to work...bwèhh....came home not feeling well.laid down for a while(got my 3th. massage in one week, as much as I ever got...) and got really relaxed(me..?!?!)which made it the more difficult to go to work again, I hate to say goodbye....especially when somebody nice is involved.I hate it so much it can spoil my day(and day after and even day after...my spinning head you know.) it was an ok night, nothing special...bit boring( to work anyways),to come home when there people is allways a joy, so I enjoyed it... the best part of the night was when I went to bed and put myself next to / against DGDSN and had a satisfied sleep. thu.:please someone help me get my pain out of me! after a really nice wake up by *mevrouwtje* I went to my job half an hour late. same prob. again...just can`t say bye ...hoping my mood will shange. It went quit well, had just a few hours work and went home to DL. and T888. Dl had a kind of poisening and was puking whole time, feeling miserable... (Dr.Té) told him to calm down , let his stomage get some rest and the rest to do or don`t I know from experience...(dùh!!!) went to my dealer and got myself happy again...(junkies hate it when they`re running out of whatever they use....) got the drugs home and went to Mw to work... expectations for an easy evening went down quickly and I got consolidation for the fact that when I`m working it`s always; not going like it`s supposed to be. it was an unsuspected * see all your old acquaintenses* night, people you don`t see for months or even years...meanwhile there was a really funny Scottish- folk/punk band playing... I didn`t have the peace and rest to update lately so this was a long one... time to sleep now > 4.00 because of updating my head is going thru past days and it`s difficult to concentrate( ...my body`s killing me,or am I killing my body???don`t tell me, I know the answer)....hope I get some sleep.(k) post comment

e>2,s>3,c>1,a>8,j<5 [25 Jan 2002|05:29pm] [ mood | hopeful ] well went to Leg. because I just had to see people, spoke a while to DL. explained what he must and must not do when I`m in a mood like past days.He`ll understands I think..later on I went to Kors. and met DGDSN.she made my day again.....she`s such a sweety.....I think(sure) I`m in love with her. It just feels so nice and comfortable being with her...she doesn`t care in what mood I`m in ...(H) this was a hurry update, have no time left...have to go to work @ Leg. post comment

e>1,5,s>3,a>8,j>4 [25 Jan 2002|04:30am] [ mood | okay ] working in Leg. was a good thing to do, when I work I try to give it all, I do my job properly. hardly any friends,they all went to H`lem (goth party ft. Malochia and Nr-pro(?)and after party, butt still busy. really unaspected A.& A. came in...Had a good talk whith A.(Let`s call her A..K).gonna see her again tomorrow...,hope to see DGDSN tomorrow http://www.contrabandent.com/cwm/s/otn/love/ylinlove.gif ....I miss her ( too much too soon..?http://unknown553.zeroth.net/smilies/littleangel.gif) 2 comments|post comment

e>3,s>2,a>14?,j>2 [24 Jan 2002|08:40pm] [ mood | down ] had a horrible night last night.... I don`t know why but I just can`t stand being alone,when my mind is turning into a downward spiral, I just can`t get out of it...I can`t control myself anymore. I work off my emotions to those who are most close to me.I know I do, that's why I shut myself off,avoid any contact.... sorry...! what will make them worry about me, but that still is less worse than if I wouldn`t. Don't try to reach me, 'cause I'd tear up your mind,I've seen the future and I leave it all behind. post comment

grrrrrr...... [23 Jan 2002|09:21pm] [ mood | GGGGRRRR ] godverdegodver...... waarom is er niemand om heen te gaan..???? word gek hier.......geen bekenden online...niks op tv(alsof ik daar rustig naar zou kunnen kijken)...geen geld voor de kroeg en nog 3/4 uur voor ik naar de kors kan......(daar is drank goedkoop voor mij...tja medewerker..!) aaarggggggggg......... KAN NIET tegen alleen zijn ...word gek...me kop stopt niet meer.............please somebody sell me a shotgun..... * I don`t hate this world, I just hate my life.....* post comment

e>2,s>2,a>4,J>2 [23 Jan 2002|05:25pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | non ] well that was a quit evening yesterday.... after work I spent my time behind this silly equipment called pc. I can`t leave by itself.when i`m in chat I just can`t stop, grrr... about 21.00 I went to Leg. to meet DGDSN and lateron KS also came in. we went later on to Kors.,ofcourse... over there It still was very quit.some of my friends came in and they hadn`t met DGDSN yet, so I introduced them to eachother.M. took me private to ask about her and stuff... a compliment for my choice she made to me....*happy,happy....* we didn`t go home too late couse I had to get up early to pick up my kids from school, and not sleep thruogh this time.... we went to sleep late anyway but that`s ok becouse we were in bed already.wink,wink....now what I mean....wink,wink....say no more, say no more.... I got up in time, so this was the good start of the day... picked up the kids and went home where DGDSN still was at my place chatting on the pc.I introduced them and they said something like: "Ahh, is this another girlfriend of yours???" well there goes my reputation for being a "good" daddy...... ah well, they know I `m not the regular father,just as long as I do my best..... post comment

e>0,5,s>2,a>7,j>3 [22 Jan 2002|10:28am] [ mood | down ] [ music | Nin- something I can never have. ] being hurt and loved is a strange combination, it`s even more strange if they`re the same moment... it`s kinda nice though... (thanx.J..I`ll get you back !!!) I`m moody today. scared for what will come.... i`m opposit of yesterday, that happiness has gone.... </l> post comment

e>0,5,s>2,a>7,j>4 [21 Jan 2002|04:34am] [ mood | frustratedhornylovesick.... ] [ music | rolling rolling rolling....(x3)....rawhide !!! ] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG...........!!!! don`t you hate it...? when you tell yourself not to loose your mind into something you know you can loose your mind easily in....?and do it anyway.... well, it`s happening to me right now ! I know it`s happening, I can`t AND don`t wanna stop it, cause it`s the greatest feeling there is but I hate it...( Yes, I`m a little weird..!) I hope I can keep my head together...... no facts today, I just don`t feel like to.... grrr.... 2 comments|post comment

e>0,5,s>2,a>6>j>4 [20 Jan 2002|05:59am] (just for stats...) post comment

e>1,5,s>3,a>7,j>4 [20 Jan 2002|04:16am] [ mood | moody ] [ music | non.... ] Saturday-night... in spite of my bad physical-condition I managed to have a good night... Dj-ing at Leg. I asked Lu. to do the first and last part so I could leave early. in between I spent my time being tired and mentally dead.......but I `ve got the remedy! so after DJ-ing we went to Kors. it was fucking hot in there...or maybe I wasn`t feeling well...??? one moment we were on the balcony and saw *ms.bitch*looking at us.... (I was intensely hugging and kissing and being busy and stuff...)she didn`t liked the view, I think...(evil grin...). I`ll get her back for all those times she didn`t think about me being headspinning miserable and not being able to leave the dj-set.hope she knows what i`ve been through....luckely I heared she`s leaving country for a while... *relief...! * after Kors. we went home to my place again...and chattered a while and feeling exhausted, staring... during the night Dl&J got into a kinda fight and DL. left home...he couldn't stand J. boddering him or something..?!?. didn`t hear a word(so you know..!!)my head was somewhere between 7th.heaven and the body I was holding on to. Hmmmm....nice ! so that was kinda dump on the evening,tears ofcourse after he left....We comfort J. with some tea and words and the girlies went to bed...I wasn`t ready for bed yet so I sat, ofcoure..., behind the computer next to them. I surfed a bit on the net and forced myself to bed around 10 in the morning... **hmmmm.....I love to have a nice warm friend I can hold on and fall asleep with...sigh...** mood:exhausted(whatta you think, huh???) Sunday... after 5 hours sleep I woke up and had a coffee and the girls had a tea... went to work and I was surprisingly quick finisched with it. had some chats ( reminded me of feeling alone ...bweh...)and went to Kors. again to annoy people with my, insane-mind based, tunes...trying to get my ex off of the dancefloor....(didn`t work...damn!!!`last time I did...!!). after updating DJ and chat with KS,he always knows how to cheer me up....thanx darling..! it`s time to go to sleep now...5.45 am... ZZZZzzzzz....... http://www.freakygamers.com/smilies/s2/contrib/edoom/sleeping.gif> [/IMG] post comment

e>3,5,s>6/7/8?,a>14/15,J>7/8 [19 Jan 2002|08:55pm] [ mood | exhousted (and still horny.... ] Cyberia was bloody great.... didn`t hear too much of the music, I was talking and drinking and talking....had fun though.had even some dance exercises at the end.finaaly I start dancing again, another step in the right direction. it tells me that I feel comfortable....didn`t dance for almost a year(exept for some drum & bass parties I went to but I was on loads of E.) after Cyberia went home by train, more Cyberia visitors take the same train and allmost every time it`s fun. after we took a cab home we had fun at my place.... I had to help H2O moving out to his new app. and hadn`t been there before and I like it...it`s only too far for me... before we started we took some S.it helped....unloading the trailer just took 15 min. that`s the way to do it.....!! after finishing I went home and had 45 min. left before I had to go to work. my stomach was a really upset and I `m glad I didn`t had to leave home ill... as I came back DGDSN,DL and KL. still were at my place....DL promised to make me dinner and the others left home...DGDSN will maybe not return to Leg.*sniff....* I really like her company... well I`ll have to stop now, in 45 min. I have to be at Leg. I`m DJ-ing with Lu. tonight...` I`m not used to sharing DJ-time and am awake since yesterday morning, so I`m not sure what my mood will be... well we`ll see....tell you tomorrow. post comment

e>3,c>1,s>4,a>9,j>7 [18 Jan 2002|06:38pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | the Klinik-hours and hours/braindamage/never get out ] in spite of my hunger for drugs, my life has become more bearable, I even feel great with my progress in getting a life..... last weeks were after 2 of my worst years the best ever.....I feel kinda newborn.....felt like 17 again,I noticed that a lot of my misery was fed by myself. till yesterday I was really uncertain about DGDSN and myself...also of coure I didn`t know what was her idea about a non-monogamous relationship, what I have to get used to myself... well she tought me a lesson, my respect...she`s really way far behind I thought she was...(girl I love you....(K)) Too funny not to mention:at a certain moment at the Kors. I was looking around and saw 2 ex and 2 present friends.... and nobody seems to bother!?!? It felt great...!!! never thought a thing like this could happen, so life IS full of surprises,not always good ones, but this period it is. going out to Cyberia tonight. luckely DGDSN will go too, otherwise there was no use for me to go... ok good part in life...:"Here we go...!!!!" post comment

continuation on tue. [16 Jan 2002|08:15pm] [ mood | irresponsible and confused... ] [ music | virgin prunes- theme for though (what a coincidence..???) ] on tuesday I woke up and got to work happely,after what happened the night before......:p had another shitty cleaning day, oh no , that`s not true...I hoped for something to happen to get my mind out of the downward spiral and it did,so I`m not allowed to complain. after work I went home with lot`s of things in mind.hoped for another "surprice party" but only DL was there, not the others I forgot to mention yesterday but there were;DGDSN,DL,J,KL,MF and t666 and later on PK. after DL and I had the left overs from the days before KL rang my bell and came up to ask if we wanted to come down to the Leg. and also that DGDSN was in there.surpriceness came over me because earlier on in chat she told me that she wasn`t coming this night... in there we shoot some pool and because of dgdsn`s monthly period she wasn`t feeling well and I was sitting next to her on the bench and just kept her belly warm with my hand... when Leg. closed we went to the Kors. and had some more of everything... I invited DGDSN,DL,KL,AND Bem to wait at my place for the first tram, computing,drinking smoking...Bem went home...he just wanted to go home and sleep...DGDSN and KL left around 7.30/ 8.00 o`clock.knowing I had to get up at 11.30 and pick up my kids from school, we went to bed...... this point is a turning point in my life , I think.....(jan 16th 2002) in the beginning it was kinda stange to sleep next to a guy but since I really love him as my friend and because of the E. I didn`t care what he was all doing with me.....he was very gentle ...(i love ya for that!)he told me he even broke a pers.record...haha... when I woke up I found out I slept through...**OH SHIT NO, NOT NOW!! how did this happen? what to do? ** ok phoned N.`s work and wanted ask for P`s school tel.number but they already phoned her to ask what happened, she told me that and I went to school as hard as I could.arrived 45 min late but everything was ok and I went to J.`s school but already left home.so I picked him up and went to my place after ofcourse my appologies to my sons. fortunatually DL cleaned my house a bit so every thing looked normal to them....after spending the afternoon, havingf diner etc. I took them home and, ofcourse I went to my dealer...one day I`ll have to pay for all this I`m doing, I`m sure of it... more adventures tomorrow...for tonight I`ve planned to go to see Fat Gadget, at Paradiso`s, see what has become of him.... post comment

e>2,25,s>2,a>6,j>7 [16 Jan 2002|07:39pm] [ mood | grateful ] well,I`ll have to start last monday..... it feels so great to wake-up next to a person you like....*hug hug....* we started together with DL&J, Ihad some coffee and a joint to start with,it`s the best way to start a monday morning you don`t feel like going through...anyways, cleaning day went quit well but did know there would be another one after this one... went home to see if DL still was there...and had a pleasant surprise...,THERE WAS A PARTY GOING ON AT MY PLACE!"Yeah, that`s the way,aha aha, I like it aha aha...." so, partying on....had drugs and fun, and fun and drugs.an old friend of mine(PK) came by to pick up what I got him, he `s been without it for a week...(I know him since I was 14/15 )and I just couldn`t resist to offer him to "borrow" him the stuff for a week or something.I`m not afraid I won`t get it back, he`s a straight guy. around and about 22,30 I had to go to Kors. to go to work and I know ;mondays aren`t my fav.nights... but just 20 min. before we left the thing happened what I was looking forward to for about a week.suddenly, out of the blue... so I went quit happyly to my work and ofcourse I couldn`t refrain to offer another party @ my place.... we had some more of everything God didn`t allow us to....and with a kind of tension we went to bed.... and yes.......we finally came over our "shyness". **know what I mean?know what I mean?...wink wink...say no more say no more...wink wink...** it felt great, but because of all the drugs,alcohol and still a small "tension" I couldn`t finish my work off.(it`s nothing new to me because I `ve never managed to do it the first time...)**WAIT AND BLEED...!* post comment

e>1,5,s>3,a>7,j>4 [16 Jan 2002|07:05pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | ORPHYX - FRAGMENTATION ] 8 hours later I sit at home and feeling weird....really weird,confused,thoughtfull,pleasantly surprised,curious.... first of all I`m totally confused about my feelings,about my way of living lately. the way I live can`t last for long......I don`t wanna last for long,wish I had a cancer or other terrible disease, so I could end it! I probably told you before I`m working on opening myself up,be honest (to myself; accept what I am.)and one of the things is get ridd of my frustrations..... while I`m working on it, free expirimental stadium...?,I`m oscilating between div. kinds of feelings....,the old trustworthy and the ones I have had in mind for a long time and never came to it,the to explore ones. I have this line in mind for days now:" Nothing can stop me now, because I don`t care anymore....." and every time I feel down this line come up.so strange...? I`m also totally confused in what I do or do not feel. I`m not even sure I can ever love somebody again...my way of loving someone. I don`t think I wanna let go of what I have now....I miss the cosinesss of having someone around but I don`t feel like committing myself again.Once I love someone,I give it all...and loose myself! I`ve decided a while ago that it`s my time to take from life,not just giving. it`s a hard way to accomplish that change of mind, and ofcourse there`s Té with his,I don`t know where it`s coming from but, attractif power for every thing that`s going wrong.always the hard way.... I`m (not out of free will) stubborn, remind that. so pleasantly surprised that finally something happened I was scared off...and now there is the hunger left...... ** I WANT MORE....** post comment

e>2,s>4,a>9,j>3 [15 Jan 2002|06:55am] [ mood | thankful ] Tuesday.... same like yesterday... intended to write but because of circumstances I didn`t make it.... only 1,(actually it`s 2 things...)that happened and it REALLY made my day.....after a week of being insecure....thanks to DGDSN(love ya, sweetie...) more tomorrow... post comment

e>2,s>3,>a>10/11,j>4 [14 Jan 2002|06:52am] [ mood | amused ] Monday update...... forgot/ no time.....see wednesday... post comment

e>1,5s>4a>8/9j>4 [13 Jan 2002|07:26pm] [ mood | horny ] after last night I had too much in my head.woke up with it which wasn`t that good to wake-up with.had an quit afternoon, didn`t do very much...smoked some joints had a vodka....oh yeah, I died my hair finally. enjoyed the kids,made some meal,brought them back to mams and went home. tried to connect my suplyer but it didn`t work out.have an apppointment for tomorrow though....Kl came over to pick up some suplies(?)and lateron Dl&J came...it`s so nice having them around,it just feels comfy And I think in both ways. when I had to go to work I offered them to stay,didn`t feel like being alone...at this moment I`m writing this the`re sleeping next to me, at least I don`t feel lonely. hoped for some action but it was a "regular" su.night. cleaning shit tomorrow again...... hopefully something`s gonna make my day, don`t wanna have this mood for another few days.... 1 comment|post comment

e>1.c>1.s>3.a>10?j>7 [12 Jan 2002|09:37pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] ok, to go on where I stopped yesterday.... after DL & J came over we had some .....Absinth, yeah... some smokes and more....I was ofcourse tired after being up since thu.morning but had a nice night...after being in Leg. we went up my place again and watched "stigmata"and after DL & J left, another movie I can`t remember the title of.it was funny....strange.... so we went to bed latea gain and I had to get up early to pick up my kids. had a coffee and a chat with "mams",N., and went home with them.did some shoppings,household, cooking, wath some tv with the kids and get them to bed.I really,really don`t like being a house-dad...stupid bourgeois existence...bwèh!I like to have the kids around though...but not the standard time sceduals it has to go by,anyway in a few years,when they grow up, it will change. wouldn`t it be that N. is gonna have another baby....so end of summer I`ll have to gonna have the boys more over here. my house does need a thorough turn becouse my youngest,Pepijn(7) is allergic to dust and stuff...I`m not that clean...I don`t care in what mess I live,I`m a mess myself, so why can`t my house be? have a lot to think about...what do I want,what`s the future gonna be like,am I goona stay poor rest of my life,just go on till where...?there`s nothing...just keep on going b`couse I made a promise????what I was busy with past week doesn`t seems to go anywhere,does it?what to do ???It isn`t everlasting anyway,it`s getting me too much I think, don`t think I can handle being totally devoted again.it feels too nice, too committed,too confusing. :( going to Leg. in a while, see what`s going on in there... hope somebody can cheer me up,don`t wanna go depressed to sleep, it will still be there in the morning and I don`t want to victomize my kids with my vision of life and being tired of it.when they`re over here I`ll have to pretend, what isn`t as simple as it sounds like.they "feel" more then you can imagine it. post comment

E>1,5.A>8.J>5 [12 Jan 2002|03:29am] [ mood | sick ] *BURP.... well......back from Leg.amused myself,met DL,J,Sen,Kl,MF and Lu.they left quit early to Kors. and I sat a while alone and started spinning in my head... later on Kl and A came in and we talk and played pool and had fun, about being lowlive and stuff.making fun out of our misery, at least for me it dit feel that way...just dopeheads being happy on drugs...they left later on and I was just running in my head with too much stuff.i`m gonna try to have some sleep now but don`t think it will happen that easely, `cause my body is really killing me....in my heart I`m ,about, 24/25,my actual age is nearly(feb.) 36 and my body feels like....OLD..!! anyway, 9.00 is kiddies time again..... post comment

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